sloth-like

i'm beginning to think that trying to be a productive person may be something i'm just not into. *sigh*

monday, birthday monday!

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

that's right everyone, i am now officially 28. :-P so what do old farts like myself do on their birthdays? they go on roadtrips, that's what! so here was the original itinerary of the weekend:

• friday - dinner with family
• saturday - go to great adventure (jackson, nj)
• sunday - go to six flags america (baltimore, md)
• monday - go to watch wwe raw (yes, wrestling is my guilty pleasure) in pittsburgh, pa
• tuesday - drive back to new york city

well, that's what was supposed to happen. what ended up happening was this:

• friday - dinner with family
• saturday - stopped by the rain for great adventure. ended up going to ikea and put a desk together.
• sunday - go to great adventure! have a great time except for the line-cutters on the chiller. oh well. check out my winnings at the crane games!
  
  start driving out to pittsburgh, but get lost in new jersey. end up stopping in harrisburg, pa at midnight.
• monday - start out to pittsburgh around 11. get to hotel and we've been upgraded! wooo!!! our room is the size of a small 1 BR apartment, no joke! considering our room was booked last minute on hotels.com i was very impressed. go to watch wwe raw at the mellon arena and realize we have the crappiest seats in the arena. you want to know how crappy? this crappy.
  
  lol. more pictures coming to the see section. afterwards, with no dinner, we walked around and tried to find somewhere to eat after 11:30 PM but nothing was open. oh well.
• tuesday - leave really early to drive back to new york city since we figured it would take 7 hours to drive back home. end up hitting the crossings at 2:30 PM and did some killer shopping. how killer? 3 hour shopping killer. $300 killer. o yeah. thank god friday is pay day.

so there you have it. my birthday adventure. and i know you're wondering if i got any knitting done. :-P please. it's me, remember? go here.

monday = birthday = BLAH

so now it's the 22nd. one day after anna and kristy's. roland's birthday. 4 days until mine.

birthdays are kind of weird for me. i think my perspective on birthdays have changed since i hit 25. i was still an admin assistant, hated my job, was poor, was in a horrible relationship... and with the idea than i was hitting 25 without making any major accomplishments in my life, that was really depressing. that's when i began doing the "age +1" thing. the "age+1" thing is this: for a good 3 months before my birthday, i tell people i'm already that age so it lessens the blow when the day actually hits. some of my friends find that weird. i find it necessary. it definitely confuses people i just meet, though. some people think i'm turning 29 this year! lol...

i think the thing that's really bothering me about my age is because of "the plan." you know, "the plan." the one you came up with when you were little about how your life was going to be... where you were going to end up when. boys have it simple when they're little. they think "when i grow up, i'm going to be a fireman" and that's all they have to worry about. my "when i grow up" story was more like this:

"when i grow up, i'm going to finish college and be a business woman just like my daddy. then i'm going to get engaged by 26, married by 27, have my first child by 30. my family will have a dog and a cat, in a nice 3 bedroom house."

something like that. lol... what? i was an ambitious 8 year old!

so i had a timeline set... and i'm also one of those people that if a schedule is set, and plans don't occur as scheduled, i don't deal with the changes very well. especially life-changing. yeah, i'm pretty wimpy that i can't deal. eh. stupidity happens and i lost my way. so now i'm left scared wondering how life will be... and will those things ever come to fruition? who knows.

birthdays are so uplifting, aren't they?

ok... what has been accomplished...

• send transcript requests to QC and columbia - found out they have my grades from columbia already and not sure if they need the transcript from qc. completed.
• complete CTA application - got side-tracked by meetings and work yesterday. will try to complete today. or dig up the one i completed last term. :-P pending.
• get nysc to give me my frikkin money - the person that promised me my refund wasn't "at her desk" when i called and still hasn't called me back. i'm thinking of reporting them to the better business bureau now. pending.
• get more knitting done - see knit. completed.
• hang out with roland - went to dinner and drinks with friends. found out roland's going to pop the big Q! my first close male friend getting married!!! i'm losing my big brother! waah. completed.

so all in all, i was productive yesterday. i need to keep up my momentum, though. i'm afraid i'm losing motivation.

two things i did yesterday which are bad though - i drank coffee and beer. i know that doesn't sound too bad... but i haven't had either in about 4 weeks. after half a cup of coffee i was shaking. at the bar, after 1 beer, i was mixing up words (like "weeks" with "months"). *sigh* sad, sad, sad.

i'm a slacker! what happened to me!

it's funny how you can say "i have so much to do", yet get absolutely nothing done. the only thing i think i somewhat accomplished yesterday was starting hush-hush, which will allow me to fulfill the 1/3 completion point listed yesterday. as for everything else? i have one word for you.

f*ck

i was doing so well! what happened??? *sigh*

and it's not like i can really do anything today because i have to hang out with roland before he leaves for california on thursday. waah. i hate having to schedule my day, but it looks like it's going to have to go that way... so today, while at work try to:

1. send transcript requests for QC and columbia
2. complete application for CTA program
3. get nysc to give me my frikkin money

after work:

1. hang out with roland
2. get more knitting done
3. finish my personal statement for CTA application

good god, i need a massage.

too many things...

have to do:

• finish CTA applications
• submit transcript requests
• get tons of work completed before thursday
• group outing on friday
• hang out with roland on tuesday
• birthday dinner with family on friday
• return shoes to urban footwear
• get nysc to send me my frikkin money
• finish 1/3 of hush-hush by next week

on my mind:

• why the hell am i not sleeping?
• maybe i need a chiropractor
• i need a new ob/gyn
• i need to stop spending money
• but i really want to knit that awesome sweater in the carla along! *sigh*
• i don't think i alotted myself enough spending money this month.
• or i need to put my credit card away
• again
• i hope i pass my cta entrance examination
• i hope i can find an apartment soon
• i hope i can ride that friggin bike my brother is buying me
• i hope i have enough money to buy my ticket for hawaii in december
• i hope this upcoming wedding isn't as stressful as i think it's going to be
• i'm not pms'ing, i'm concerned

i hate when i'm so caught up in the whole picture of everything going on around me i can't breathe and i start freaking out about life. i make myself take a step back to realize that these are all things i can control, but it's my responsibility to make those things happen for me. if i don't, where am it? lethargic, depressed, upset... i can't do this to myself. i have to make things happen. even if it takes me some time to kick myself in the ass. because it's not anyone else's problem or responsibility but my own.

one of the reasons i couldn't sleep last night was because my jaw was clenched so tight and my shoulders were so tensed i felt as if there were steel cables holding my body. that's no way to live. the funniest thing is most of my stresses are external. everyone chill out and stop stressing me out! lol...

time to get stuff done.

going out of my head

it's like deja vu all over again...

say it with me, now:

joy's a sucker.

good to know some things don't change.

grrr... mosquitos!!!

so tuesday night i woke myself up in the middle of the night scratching my left butt-cheek. 6 hours and 18 bug bites later (including another one on my ass), i called in sick and slept in the rest of the day. you'd think that would be the end of the mosquito attack, but alas... last night i was attacked yet again. worst thing i can't really do about it, since my window fan doesn't have a screen to keep anything out. *sigh* i guess i'll suck it up.

so the progress of my CTA application and exam preparation is going well... studied last night and this afternoon on SQL and java... look at me, studying java. the last time i took java i was practically ripping my hair out and dropped the class after i couldn't get my program to compile properly. hopefully this time around it'll be a whole lot better...

why does money always = stress?

grrrr.... ever read "get a financial life"? well, i'm trying to just get by the first friggin chapter and i'm irritated already. good news is after 5 years i've trimmed my credit card debt from what i'm estimating to be $21K (yes, twenty one THOUSAND dollars. i was young, stupid and in love. what can i say?) to $2.5K, which in my opinion is friggin amazing. so i've taken my last two credit cards with a high apr, transferred them over to a new credit card with 0 apr... i'm regulary paying off the highest cc $300/mth... i've budgeted myself a good amount in spending money a month... so why the F is it so hard for me to not feel anxiety because i pay all of my bills at the beginning in the month and there's only a third of my paycheck left in the bank??? :( it seems as if the only way i can feel happy about my money situation is to completely get out of debt. why, even though i'm so close to getting out of debt entirely, do i still feel so poor?

what is it about asian moms?

they seem to have this "never good enough" mentality. so this week i've been feeling better about myself and working out, keeping promises to go home and go running with my bro, etc. so yesterday she says to me:

joy, how do you wash your face at night? did you know that auntie mila's neice does facials?

like since she can't nag me enough about my weight she needs to start nagging me about my skin? just because i have two pimples, most likely caused by hormones from, i don't know, my period? lol... i should say: hey mom, i know it's been a while since you last had your period, but getting pimples is an indication i'm getting mine soon. lol... is that mean? :-P

i really wish i could just let everything she says just roll off my back, but i can't. like last week, for dad's anniversary, she couldn't even compliment me properly. she says to me,

joy, i like the way you're dressed today.
directed to my brother: i have a beautiful daughter.
directed back to me: you look very nice today. normally i don't really care for your style of dress, but today you look very nice.

*sigh* there are some days i worry that i'm going to have to die from anorexia for her to get the point that what she says really effects me. i know i should just accept it for what it's worth, but ARGH!!!!! it's so upsetting and frustrating! at least i know that a bunch of the people that read this can relate. eh.

anyway, hunny's back home! yay! :-) at least there's someone out there that loves me for the way i am.

the present is in the past

first i would like to say:

happy birthday, piper-werker!

my suitemate(freshman year)/roommate(sophomore year)/apartment-mate (senior year) has now hit the big 2-8! wooo hoooo!!!! enjoy your day at the roller-rink, honey!

yesterday, i was fortunate enough to meet up with two of my good friend from high school. it's seriously been 10 years since we had last hung out... rosie i've seen in passing 3 times in the most random of places (once at the revlon run/walk for women in 1999, then again in 2001 on the 7 train in the morning, then again in 2002 walking on 3rd avenue/E80th street), and gisela i bumped into just recently at the lemon ice king of corona. we all met up in flushing and talked story for a good 3 hours on how our lives have changed. they're both married, but we're all pretty much at the same stage in life... trying to save up for the future, thinking of relocating and what our future career plans will be. it's crazy that these are the girls i used to sit at "split-lunch" with, attend chorus with, and hang out after school with in front of the neighborhood 7-11 with. it's amazing to see how much life has changed for us but we're exactly the same...

yesterday definitely made me think of friendships in more of a serious light. i looked at the past 7 years and i can't believe the spectrum of people that have basically flown in and out of my life. sometimes i wonder if it's me... sometimes i wonder if it's time... things happen, and sometimes things are so traumatizing that it causes people to change. differences of opinion and simple actions or reactions can pull people apart. it saddens me knowing that for some of my great friendships have been lost because of those factors. what happened to us?

remember what you're allergic to...

so i get home yesterday famished. i go to the grocery store to pick up fruit for day 2 of my detox diet and some extra soup for dinner. get home, put fruit away, cook soup. mmmm... soup. wake up early this morning, pack fruit in bag. get to work. drink juice, take vitamin and ginkgo. wash pear. slice off undesirable segments from bruising. eat pear. throat starts to feel itchy. tongue numbs. then i think:

oh yeah, that's right... i'm mildly allergic to pears.

duh. lesson learned: never go grocery shopping on a liquid diet. you have absolutely no brain power. *sigh*

what sucks is i bought pear/passionfruit nectar, too, and i'm afraid to drink it now. oh well.

so this morning proves i should forego joining a gym until september... i woke up at 6:15 this morning and went for a 20 minute jog around the neighborhood. boy, is nyc stinky in the summer mornings. who needs coffee when you can run right by warm garbage? mmmm....

strange leaps in motivation

you will not believe what time i woke up this morning. 6:30. WTF? when's the last time i woke up at 6:30 AM? so i proceeded to put on my sneakers and get ready for a morning run. one problem - by the time i actually was ready, it was 5 minutes to 7, so i said f*ck it and just got my old tae bo tape (yes, that billy blanks guy) and started tae bo'ing to my heart's content. i'll go running tonight, i swear. but here's the thought... if i'm so motivated to do this exercise thing without a membership right now, why am i even trying to get a membership anyway? right? right. so let's see how this goes. if anything, i'll get a membership in the fall when i can get the year-long rate. hmm....

let's see if i make it out of bed at 6:30 tomorrow first. :-P

things making me happy today (in no particular order)

• chin fat loss = happiness - i looked in the mirror today and it appears i have lost some of the fat (noticed here) that i may have gained during my hawaii trip! woo hoo!!!
• ass-kickin honey roasted peanuts - my boss just gave these to me. what's funnier is they're "kick yo' ass hot!" flavored. lol....
• the calls that make me feel important - for the people that make me feel really helpful in my job and really appreciate my work, i thank you.
• thinking about my hunny - i miss you! come back home already!
• to do lists with almost everything checked off - i feel superproductive today. i have 3 pages of notes written on things i needed to do today and practically everything is crossed off. AND i'm still updating my blog. what a multi-tasker!
• my green hi-lighter - without you, i could not cross off those wonderful things listed in my list of things to do. thank you for letting your brightness add color to my usually drab environment.
• the letterman top 10 on michael moore's site - just funny. why is the #1 never as funny as the rest of them?
• my beverage containers - i heart my orange 16 oz water bottle and my gloomy bear mug. thank you for keeping me hydrated and caffinated during the day.

that is all for now...

things pissing me off today (in no particular order)

• NYSC - after quitting nysc in april, they have decided to charge my amex card for two months. i have just called them, and to my disbelief - not ONLY did they f*ck up my account, they also can't refund my AMEX card for 7-10 days by CHECK. how f*cking wrong is that???? now i have to fax them a copy of my cancellation because some idiot in billing didn't get it right the first time. o, by the way, did i tell you the reason i left nysc was because the billing was ALWAYS f*cked up? grrrr....
• 3 day weekends - don't get me wrong, i love 3 day weekends. but when i get back to work, my schedule is all sorts of messed up. i was prepping for a meeting that takes place every monday when DUH... it's tuesday. now it's easy-peasy laidback tuesday.
• dieting - so i buy this book yesterday called "bikini fit" and it requires for the first week that you have a liquid diet gradually increasing your food intake. i'm not sure if you've seen me hungry, but i turn into a real b*tch. but that's a warning, people. this diet starts tomorrow.
• july 15th - apparently everyone and their mommas want to do something the day of or weekend of july 15th. gene k. from the accounting division is heading out so his going away bash is on july 15th. kat & jess are heading out on their cruise on july 15th. big t is coming back from being at sea on july 15th. i have to go look at houses in the hamptons the weekend of july 15th. i have a bridal shower to attend on july 17th. *sigh* what a pain. no rest for joy.
• ex boyfriends - get over it already. jesus.
• family communication - in order to avoid any arguments between my brother and myself regarding comments that i don't appreciate (be it regarding my appearance, my viewpoints or his viewpoints), my mother would rather have us be quiet and agree with each other than have a healthy debate. meanwhile his remarks, no matter how un-pc, go running rampant. things like that i just can't stand in my family. i'm afraid if he were to have children and how they would turn out. *sigh*
• people that disregard personal space - i have a coworker - nice guy, a little skeevy but manageable - that has no idea what personal space is. when he comes over to talk to me, he stands so close that i need to crane my neck upwards to look at him. what a pain. isn't the "personal space" radius something like 3-4 feet or something like that?
• people that disregard "end of conversation" ques - same guy, different thing. so he's standing next to me talking about the most inane things that i could care less about. for 25 minutes. i'm doing work here, buddy. well, multi-tasking work here. :-P

that's it for now, but i'm sure there will be more.

another 4th come and gone...

i'm confused... a lot of people are calling me this year to "see how yesterday was." i'm confused. this is the 14th time. nothing different, just spending time with my family. my mom's changed things up a bit, so it's nice to see things are toning down.

change #1 - no mass well, there was a mass, but not in my backyard with tons of people over to witness it. no sprinkling holy water on dad's picture either, saving his soul from purgutory and all that. and what's even better about the no mass at home thing is - no novena. sorry, but that sh*t is boring.

change #2 - no mass = no people the most annoying thing on a day of mourning is having to deal with people. this year, no masses of people at my house, just mom, me, bro and 3-5 people that stopped by for lunch. quite pleasant. funny thing is, my mom still cooked for 30 ppl anyway. silly mom

that's the only two things i can really think of, and they're really major. so thank god for changes this year... mom's even off at atlantic city today and staying overnight. talk about changes! :-P

maybe it is strange, though... that i don't really celebrate the 4th or really care about patriotism or fireworks or any of those things. i just stayed home, read "dude, where's my country?" and crocheted most of the day away. i guess i just don't find it that exciting, really. oh well... onto today and enjoying my day off. must get ready to go out and enjoy the sunny, humid day.

insomnia revisits...

but that always happens at this time of year. i think its residual from the fact i got something like 13 hours of sleep the other night. plus the three hour nap this morning. heh.

what? i'm on vacation! let me sleep!!!

so in about 6.75 hrs i need to be in church for my dad's mass. having lost my father over 14 years ago, this has come to be a tradition every 4th of july. and yes, he died on this day.

so here's how the day usually goes... mass for dad in the morning, novena in the afternoon (i.e. reciting a full rosary, kneeling for about 2 hrs), and barbecue w/ guests until they feel like leaving (which is usually around 10 PM). fun. god forbid i don't go... horrible horrible daughter i would be labeled. but then again, i'm the black sheep so what am i so afraid of? *sigh*

well, anyway, so that's why i'm here sleeping over at my mom's... so i will definitely make it to dad's mass in the morning. hopefully.

adding to the lack of july 4th festivities, my hunny is spending his first mainland july 4th filming a short movie in virginia somewhere. first time we've been apart for more than 2 days since april. i kid you not. it's good for us, i suppose. might be part of the reason i can't sleep, though.

this past day spending with my family made me realize if i lived at home i would go absolutely nuts. my brother never said anything nice, and whenever i made a comment about something he said he would say "stop taking everything i say so personally" meanwhile they're comments he's directing at me. *sigh* then there's my mom who's every other word has to do with talking with her friends about engagements and grandchildren. it's so uncomfortable hearing her talk about that stuff sometimes. i swear, i might as well have them just put me up against a wall, stare at me and point out all of my shortcomings and have them write it down on paper with a list on how i should fix these things so i'm easier for them to tolerate. disgusting, but true.

i love how much i bitch about my family on this thing.

happy thoughts...

productivity abounds!!!

well for personal things, at least. :-P what's done:

• hotel reservation for k&j's wedding
• rsvp for kaitlyn's bridal shower
• rsvp for k&j's wedding
• hotel reservation for birthday
• called gym but offices are closed, so i'll be signing up on tuesday

its only 4:30 and i've been waiting for this day to be over since 10 AM. lol... nothing major to rant about today. i may have found an interim apartment, but i'm waiting to hear from the ppl that are renting it. oh well, we'll see. my bro figured it'd be better to rent at a cheaper rate until i find a place to purchase. the thing that's going to SUCK though is the apartment is by work. which is good if i'm going to school, etc. but schlepping back and forth from there to queens... what a pain. and then from a 5 minute commute to work to an hour? UGH even worse. *sigh* beggars can't be choosers though.

feeling crappy...

as usual. i think my caffeine detox is messing me up. i have a very very big headache. i took advil when i got up this morning, but it still hasn't taken effect. maybe i'll pop 2 more now. ok, done. still feel like crap... urgh.

just made myself coffee... hope that will make it better. or maybe the veggie soup will help. *crosses fingers*

oh, by the way...

happy 5 months!!!

:P