do you really not know?

i've been having conversations with an old friend, and have been noticing how many times that phrase comes up in conversation. you ever notice that when people say "i don't know" that most of the time they DO know, but just don't want to admit that they know because they are afraid of what the answer is? or they are afraid of what the consequences are for the decision they just made? some people use it as conversation filler. the same way they would use "umm..." or "like." sometimes it's easier to handle the consequences of an "i don't know" than of a definite answer. but sometimes the outcome of a definite answer is better than the outcome of an "i don't know." i don't know.

joy go GRRR!!!

:( today, i'm angry. or am i just upset? i don't know what it is. i'm just overall angry. there's nothing going wrong with me personally. work's good, family's good. yes, surprisingly, my family has done nothing to upset me. money's ok... is it the future again? i sometimes swing in and out of this feeling that the future is unsettled, that i don't know my path... but right now i think i'm ok with my path. i have a structure, but am still so unsure. i'm sure this weekend has something to do with it... if i forgot to mention, jason and kaitlyn got married! it was the most wonderful thing, watching two of your closest friends declare their love in front of their friends and family. i don't think i've ever been to a wedding this important to me... even more special than kim's (sorry, kimmy), but that's just because i'm very close to them both. the best part of my friendship with them is that, although we're really busy and we know life gets in the way, we never take that to offense... we just say 'when you have the time' and when we get to finally spend time together it's even more special. honestly, they are two of the best people i could ever have in my life. jason told everyone after the wedding that i was his oldest friend there... that meant so much. considering how much we've been through in the past 14 years... it just shows the degrees of change a friendship can have over so much time. (for the better, of course!) *sigh* surprisingly, the wedding wasn't as stressful as i thought it would be. at least not in the way i thought it would be. i'm too tired from it... stress does that to you, i guess. wasn't this a holiday weekend? jeez... i need a vacation from my life.

sleepless night...

i woke up about 30 minutes ago scratching my neck to discover that a mosquito found the only area not covered by my blanket. i have about 10 mosquito bites on my neck which are absolutely unbearable to deal with. it's also one of those things where any slight motion makes another area of my body itchy, so it's absolutely impossible to sleep right now.

god i hate that... *sigh*

so, as much as i've been trying to deal with this cancellation of the CTA program, i've been too busy at training for the week to even think about it. i had originally thought my classes were going to be closer to the RNC, which would be a nightmare, but the training's actually closer to central park which is much better. *phew* anyway, i'm trying to come up with a 'plan b' since i'm not sure i'm too happy with the outcome of the cta thing. my brother is going to take the GRE and i'm considering studying for it with him. as much as i've been trying to avoid taking the test, it looks like maybe the powers above are trying to tell me that i shouldn't be in technology and that it's time to go do something else. maybe. we'll see. so, possible "plan b" - take the GRE, go to grad school for master's. get into master's program, THEN buy an apartment. if not get into program, then move to west coast. crazy.

the one thing that is keeping me sane right now is knowing that all of my financial worries will be out of the way in december 2004. i used to be in CRAZY debt (and i'm talking $15K kind of debt) from supporting myself and my ex boyfriend from 1999-2002, respectively. it's one of those things that you just chalk up to naivete, stupidity and carelessness... the ex is long gone (obviously the debt being one of the relationship breakers) and even with nyc rent, yearly vacations and road trips i've done pretty well with myself. and it was all done without the help of my family. sure it took 5 years, but i got myself out. yesterday, i got my cc bill from the one card i remember being the most troublesome... this month, it will be down to $600! two more payments and i will finally be free of this card. hallelujah. :-P

you can't imagine how happy i am about this. once i'm done with my payments i can finally have an actual savings account. i don't remember the last time i had one of those.

hmm... i'm still not sleepy. damned thoughts. keeping me up at night...

or maybe it's the hydroxycut. maybe...

oh, more ranting, i guess. so this wedding is coming up on sunday. i guess i'm stressing about it. i think it's because i don't look the way i want to... you know, back to the whole weight issue. i've gotten to the point where i'm so desparate to lose weight i'm taking diet medication. i figured i'd take some pills until the wedding, and all will be good and i'll go back to my normal schedule of working out, etc. eh. i just want the wedding to be over already. i feel like i've been dreading it all year or something. see? this is why you should never get involved with a) coworkers, b) friends of friends, c) friends in common circles of friends. way too much drama, especially if the common friends get married. ugh. can we say UGLY? i'm just hoping everyone acts civil. we're all adults, but sometimes people can't control their tempers... *sigh*

god, i can't believe i'm still awake? maybe thomas is online. checking... nope. oh well. maybe i'll try to get some sleep. "try" being the operative word....