let me rant, dammit.
uughh...why do you need to eat more ice cream?*sigh* i wrote back:Love,
Bro
shut up, it's freeand not to mention for a good cause. eh.
so yesterday i also wrote this huge thing about the idea of marriage and how women i know are all getting hitched left and right. the marrieds vs. the singles. i started to wonder, because every so often i get depressed about stuff like that... like my life will not be fulfilled if i don't find or settle with my life partner. i will live forever in emptiness if i am not a mother. but is that really so? eh. i'm beginning to feel like i'm enacting a chapter out of "bridget jones's diary" or something. which i don't mind since it was such a fantastic book. anyway.
15 minutes until meeting.
maybe i'll crochet and just pretend i'm doing work. ha!
i'd like to say i was productive this weekend, but i so wasn't... i went to old navy and target, basically exchanging my clothes and not returning. i went to my mom's, but it was really to pick up yarn to satisfy the crochet obsession i have been having. i wanted to run this weekend, but it didn't happen. i also wanted to go watch farenheit 9/11, but that didn't happen either. *sigh* i feel like i haven't been motivated to do anything... i've been so lazy. am i depressed or something? eh.
o, and great friggin news, the technology management master's program is a total no go. first of all, the deadline for applications is 2 weeks from now. not too bad. but it's really the second thing that's getting me. i need to take the GRE. yes, that's right, the friggin GRE. i'm downright scared... i haven't taken a test in YEARS, not to mention how long its been since i last took calc. but regardless... i'm not going to be ready for the GRE in two weeks, so that means no tech management in the fall, but CTA. grr....
i understand what you're trying to say. it's a matter of mindset, etc. but you have to understand, a 14 yr old at 100 lbs should not be worrying about her weight. a 28 year old that is a size 6 should not be worrying about her weight. i am normal. i need to rephrase myself, since i don't think i got my real point across - it is not the weight that bothers me, its moreso what people are saying to me. that those whose opinions matter to me (my family) are not looking at me for who i am as a person - my intelligence, my humor, my opinions, my creativity, my strength... the things that my mother taught me to be through her example. the fact that they find that my physical appearance is more important of a focus than my happiness or well being - that's disturbing. and to have it constantly pushed on you like it's a problem with you... that you're not good enough until the weight is lost... it's sad.
society's views and values dictate what is "right" or "wrong". always has and always will. anything outside of the norm is considered imperfect. i was 15 and i was reading magazines telling me what is the right type of body shape, the right type of weight, the right type of beauty. being an asian female in a non-asian environment, i have always felt outside of this spectrum. i made it my goal to be perfect. not for myself, but for what people wanted of me - my boyfriend (at the time), my family, my friends. i constantly gave myself unattainable goals so much so that i lost track of what was important in life - myself. and here i am after 13 years of struggle, fighting the same battle. i'm doing well with my job, i'm out on my own, i'm financially independant and have been for years... but just because i don't fit the what my mother thinks is the "proper weight" there is something wrong with me.
as for my own opinion about my weight, i think it's fine. i think i could stand to lose 5 lbs, but doesn't everybody? i see no issue with my weight unless it became a health issue, and with my father dying from cancer at 54 and my mom's side of the family being diabetic (and i mean 8 of 9 siblings have diabetes and 2 of them died from it last year) i think i need to exercise and eat properly on a regular basis. an eventual weight loss will be a benefit gained from that. *sigh* whatever. i'm done with this rant.
yesterday, all day i was upset because mike said "matthew said you've changed." honestly, its not that he pissed me off, it's that he's telling me that there's something wrong with my personality... like i'm not a good person anymore. first of all, who is matthew to say anything about me? second of all, i'm sorry if my life keeps me from making you and your friends the focal point of my existence. i'm sorry if me having a life outside of our apartment and my lack of involvement with you makes me a bad person. grrr... i ranted about that yesterday so i'm going to move away from that.
really, it's infuriating.
then there's my mom. i understand i've gained a little weight over the years. yes, i'm no longer a size 4. but you know what, when i was a size 4 you said i was fat. when i was a size 1 you said i was fat. WHAT IS GOOD ENOUGH? is anything good enough anymore?
yesterday i went over to my mom's to discuss my future plans - 2 years, school, apartment, financial success and stability. and do you know what she said to me? "how much does a gym membership cost? i'll pay for you for your birthday." HELLO? are we that shallow? i swear to god, if i could break into tears as i type this i totally would. i'm telling her i have finally come to a conclusion on what i can do for myself to make me a daughter she can be proud of... and all she can focus on is my weight. jesus. as punishment, i will not bear you grandchildren. sorry mom, but that's what you get.
the funny part is, she knows i'm supposed to be running with my bro every weekend and i'm not doing THAT and that's FREE. what makes her think i'm going to go to the gym because she pays for it? *sigh* stupid, stupid mom.
point #2 - career v. jobi'm at that age where you start discussing your life longterm... and realizing what you do is just a job and not a career. i have a job. i'm doing what i can do to pay the bills. the only thing i can get above this, if i work at it hard enough, is probably a systems analyst position. i want more than that though.... thus, the whole master's in technical management thing. but do i really want to do that? can i see myself in technology the rest of my life? i know that's not what i was planning when i was little... i wanted to own my own business or be an artist. i loved creating things, and i know that's my calling. so what now? *sigh* i'll just chalk it up to school and go from there, i guess. get my master's, move to the west coast and make some money for a little bit, then by the time i'm 35 i'll be ready for that b&b i was talking about. so i'm actually on schedule! who knew? lol... the best part about hitting this realization now about my career is knowing i'm not the only one. i talk to my coworkers all the time about it, and they're 5-10 yrs older than me and they're still trying to decide what they want to do with themselves.
point #3 - i heart regression the other day i was walking around target to buy toothbrush heads for my oral-b electric toothbrush (which i heart as well, btw), and as we walked by the toy section i was distracted by all the bright pink hello-kitty products and found this: 
i had to buy it, there was no stopping me. i've noticed in the past few weeks, i've been most happiest when doing things reminiscent of my childhood... do you think it has anything to do with the fact i'm hitting 28 next month? HMMM???? maybe, just maybe...
ANYWAY, i think i need to be a little more specific on what has been going on in my apartment as of late. i love my roommate, i think he's great, but it's time to get the f out because if i wanted to be nagged all the time about my life and my friends, i could move back home and pay no rent. you know what i'm saying? *sigh*
i honestly have no problems living with friends, its just when they start making comments about things that are none of their business i have a HUGE problem with that.
example:
my boyfriend is here and is still in the process of finding a job. i have mentioned to my roomie that i am concerned about it, but it's because he's my boyfriend and i'm concerned about his happiness and well-being. this in no way, shape or form gives you the right to say to him what he should be doing with himself. it's none of your goddamn business! don't try to tell him or me what we should or should not be doing. do i tell you how to live your life? do i tell you what i think about your boyfriend and what he should be doing with himself? no? that's right, because i respect you, your space and your decisions.
another problem i have? when my roomate takes my disinterest in something personally. i don't like a tv show that he likes. OH NO. i don't want to hang out with him and his friends right when i get out of work because i've had two hours of sleep and just got my period? i MUST be ANGRY with him. WTF. i'm tired and grumpy and want my own personal space. i'm sorry if you take it personally, but i really don't care.
grrrr....
and if you really REALLY want to do something to piss me off when i want to be alone, why don't you knock on my door or talk right through it. because i obviously was inviting conversation with you if i close the door behind me separating the space between myself and your presence.
ok, breathe...
*sigh* so, yeah, i've gotten to the point where i need my own space. there is no space which is "mine" in that apartment. i used to feel like it was kind of mine when mike first moved in, but since it's like he's taken it over. he makes me uncomfortable when i'm there, but my not being at home makes him UPSET that i'm not there hanging out with him.
here's my take on friendships... life happens. it sucks but it's true. if you're really friends and haven't done anything to really piss each other off, things are obviously busy and you'll come back to things when you have time. no foul. no taking things personally.
so onto 2 year plan - buy an apartment, apply for my masters in technology management, graduate, move to west coast. lol... the plan keeps changing, but it has to. the unexpected things in life, you know? :)
some people have to learn, when i want to be alone, leave me the f*ck alone. don't knock on my frikkin door, pull me from whatever i'm doing and ASK ME if i'm mad at you. just let me get over whatever i'm pissed off about and let me deal with it on my own time. if i wanted to talk to you, i'll talk to you. get it? jesus.
so i've been living in this apartment for over a year. i had no clue who i was living with, i just figured it's a business deal so i'd move in with a perfect stranger, you know. no need for any friendships effected by sharing a living space. so here i am in my apartment, happy because i don't have any obligations to anyone. august last year, my roommate decided to move out, so i go and interview someone new... i choose someone that seems to be independent and won't have to rely on my friendship in the apartment. boy, did that one blow up in my face.
f*ck it. i need to get the HELL out of here. anyone know of studio/1 bedrooms in queens or bklyn that are available?
i decided to put my gameboy down and pick up my knitting needles again. i've been doing little projects from stitch n' bitch, but not finding anything really satisfying at the moment. i just started the big bad baby blanket, which is coming out great... i just wish i had a baby to give it to. oh well. i also started crocheting leis today. it was so funny to find a yarn store when i was in maui... i had to satisfy my curiosity and make one. they're fun, actually, but a total waste of yarn. we'll see if i really get into them. i just want to finish my poncho and a goddamned sweater already.
ooh. a yawn. maybe that means something.
so father's day has come and gone... and big surprise i got into a fight with my mom. i'm kind of upset about this fight, because this is the second fight we've gotten into because she swears she told me details about something when i know she didn't. so she accuses me of not listening to her. i have no problem being deemed the bad child, but at least have a solid reason for calling me that. and since my brother is the big mama's boy, i'm ultimately the cause of it all. i can't believe i've become so accustomed to taking the blame that i don't even fight anymore and just accept it. it's disgusting, actually. *sigh* sorry, pop. maybe next year will be better for us.
things on my mind (in no particular order)
weight, how i hate thee i have never been happy with my weight... i think since i was 14/15 or something like that. stupid, right? i'm not superthin, but i'm not superfat either. i keep telling myself there's nothing wrong with being a size 6-8, because in all honesty there isn't ANYTHING wrong with it. but when i look at myself i think there's something wrong. i want to be thinner. i feel fat. i cover myself with sweatshirts and buttondowns so people don't look at me. it's stupid, but i do it.
i know, i know... i should go to the gym if it really bothers me. but you know what? i don't have the funds or the energy to do it. you want to pay my membership fees? you want to give me an extra hour a day where i don't have to spend with family, friends, boyfriend, commuting, doing work, doing errands, sleeping or eating? great. until then, no gym for me.
so here's the sob story: when i was 19 years old, i went out with a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge asshole. i think he was the WORST boyfriend i ever had. even worse than ryan, if you can believe. this guy took whatever confidence i had in myself and shattered it. he got mad at me once and broke up with me because i had been washing dishes "the wrong way." he told me to my face that i was stupid after ripping apart the introduction to a paper i had been writing. but the worst was when, in sophmore year of school, i developed anorexia and he thought is was the best thing. i only ate salads at meals and rice cakes for snacks. i would go to the gym for 2.5 hours a day every day. i think i was something like 105 lbs. at one point. one day standing in front of the mirror, i could see how hollow my face was and i thought i needed to change. then talking to the asshole later on, he says "this is the best you've looked since i met you." we broke up soon after.
i honestly can't blame it all on him. even to this day, my family comments about my weight. right now, i'm 135lbs., and i'm not proud of it. i had to buy new jeans the other day because my size 4s were too tight. i almost cried that day. i went home to visit my family after coming back from vacation a few weeks ago, went to the computer room to check my e-mail and my brother said to me "you're looking like you gained a few pounds there, kiddo." earlier on last year when we were rock climbing, he said "it'd be easier to climb up if you didn't have so much weight to carry, you know." my mother, who has always been heavier than me, is now skinnier than i am. two nights ago when i was eating dinner with my mom, she looked at my midsection disapprovingly. weeks earlier, she had said after i had innocently placed my hand on my stomach, "joy, if you just stopped eating so much carbs, you wouldn't have that, you know." the funniest part was that earlier at dinner she had given me a plate half covered in rice. i left my mom's house angry that night.
so my weight makes me miserable. you got that? i'm trying to motivate myself, but i don't have the time. and the mental energy needed to just do that... ugh. i have other things to deal with, like money and work and family and friends and trying to figure out how to spend time with all of them and making everyone happy. but that's for another day. :) there is a plan, though. i'm not going to just sit here and complain without some sort of resolution. i'm not that type of person. i've decided to do the honolulu marathon's 10K fun run in december. my brother will be in honolulu running the marathon, and we are bringing my mother along for her christmas present. until then he and i are supposed to be running in flushing meadow park and central park every sunday. the days i stay home i would like to wake up in the morning and go running before work. i have tried to cut more meat out of my diet and eat more veggies. i am drinking more water and less coffee. the only thing that is bad that i have started to forego breakfast and lunch entirely, occasionally munching on a piece of fruit or cracker or some variation of. it's bad. i know. i'm just tired of trying, i guess. i just don't want to get back into that cycle.
Just wanted to comment on your first post :)
"i have never been happy with my weight... i think since i was 14/15 or something like that. stupid, right?"
Wrong. If you feel as if you are too heavy, go on a diet.
However, think about this:
Are you fat? Or do you just think that you are fat?
Are you going on a diet to impress someone? Are you still under control from your parents? Are you sure your parents aren't trying to make you maore like what they wanted to be?
Best of luck.
6/24/2004 05:00:33 PM