two major points today... well, make that three...

point #1 - stop hating on me!!!i woke up today feeling uneasy, unhappy and upset. i'm not happy, and it's not necessarily anything what i'm doing, but its moreso with the way people are making me feel about myself. specifically my roomie and my mom. sorry to point you guys out, but hey. you suck.

yesterday, all day i was upset because mike said "matthew said you've changed." honestly, its not that he pissed me off, it's that he's telling me that there's something wrong with my personality... like i'm not a good person anymore. first of all, who is matthew to say anything about me? second of all, i'm sorry if my life keeps me from making you and your friends the focal point of my existence. i'm sorry if me having a life outside of our apartment and my lack of involvement with you makes me a bad person. grrr... i ranted about that yesterday so i'm going to move away from that.

really, it's infuriating.

then there's my mom. i understand i've gained a little weight over the years. yes, i'm no longer a size 4. but you know what, when i was a size 4 you said i was fat. when i was a size 1 you said i was fat. WHAT IS GOOD ENOUGH? is anything good enough anymore?

yesterday i went over to my mom's to discuss my future plans - 2 years, school, apartment, financial success and stability. and do you know what she said to me? "how much does a gym membership cost? i'll pay for you for your birthday." HELLO? are we that shallow? i swear to god, if i could break into tears as i type this i totally would. i'm telling her i have finally come to a conclusion on what i can do for myself to make me a daughter she can be proud of... and all she can focus on is my weight. jesus. as punishment, i will not bear you grandchildren. sorry mom, but that's what you get.

the funny part is, she knows i'm supposed to be running with my bro every weekend and i'm not doing THAT and that's FREE. what makes her think i'm going to go to the gym because she pays for it? *sigh* stupid, stupid mom.

point #2 - career v. jobi'm at that age where you start discussing your life longterm... and realizing what you do is just a job and not a career. i have a job. i'm doing what i can do to pay the bills. the only thing i can get above this, if i work at it hard enough, is probably a systems analyst position. i want more than that though.... thus, the whole master's in technical management thing. but do i really want to do that? can i see myself in technology the rest of my life? i know that's not what i was planning when i was little... i wanted to own my own business or be an artist. i loved creating things, and i know that's my calling. so what now? *sigh* i'll just chalk it up to school and go from there, i guess. get my master's, move to the west coast and make some money for a little bit, then by the time i'm 35 i'll be ready for that b&b i was talking about. so i'm actually on schedule! who knew? lol... the best part about hitting this realization now about my career is knowing i'm not the only one. i talk to my coworkers all the time about it, and they're 5-10 yrs older than me and they're still trying to decide what they want to do with themselves.

point #3 - i heart regression the other day i was walking around target to buy toothbrush heads for my oral-b electric toothbrush (which i heart as well, btw), and as we walked by the toy section i was distracted by all the bright pink hello-kitty products and found this:
i had to buy it, there was no stopping me. i've noticed in the past few weeks, i've been most happiest when doing things reminiscent of my childhood... do you think it has anything to do with the fact i'm hitting 28 next month? HMMM???? maybe, just maybe...