first entry... disclaimer

after a year of having a blog located on xanga, i've moved to blogspot to start anew. i have come to a point where i've given up on caring about what i post... this blog is created for me, with the option of its viewers to voice their opinions, ok? my posts will most likely be rants and raves, will go on forever and a day and seem like a bunch of garbled ideas in one whole paragraph. i kind of prefer it that way, actually... so onto the first thing on my mind...

weight, how i hate thee i have never been happy with my weight... i think since i was 14/15 or something like that. stupid, right? i'm not superthin, but i'm not superfat either. i keep telling myself there's nothing wrong with being a size 6-8, because in all honesty there isn't ANYTHING wrong with it. but when i look at myself i think there's something wrong. i want to be thinner. i feel fat. i cover myself with sweatshirts and buttondowns so people don't look at me. it's stupid, but i do it.

i know, i know... i should go to the gym if it really bothers me. but you know what? i don't have the funds or the energy to do it. you want to pay my membership fees? you want to give me an extra hour a day where i don't have to spend with family, friends, boyfriend, commuting, doing work, doing errands, sleeping or eating? great. until then, no gym for me.

so here's the sob story: when i was 19 years old, i went out with a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge asshole. i think he was the WORST boyfriend i ever had. even worse than ryan, if you can believe. this guy took whatever confidence i had in myself and shattered it. he got mad at me once and broke up with me because i had been washing dishes "the wrong way." he told me to my face that i was stupid after ripping apart the introduction to a paper i had been writing. but the worst was when, in sophmore year of school, i developed anorexia and he thought is was the best thing. i only ate salads at meals and rice cakes for snacks. i would go to the gym for 2.5 hours a day every day. i think i was something like 105 lbs. at one point. one day standing in front of the mirror, i could see how hollow my face was and i thought i needed to change. then talking to the asshole later on, he says "this is the best you've looked since i met you." we broke up soon after.

i honestly can't blame it all on him. even to this day, my family comments about my weight. right now, i'm 135lbs., and i'm not proud of it. i had to buy new jeans the other day because my size 4s were too tight. i almost cried that day. i went home to visit my family after coming back from vacation a few weeks ago, went to the computer room to check my e-mail and my brother said to me "you're looking like you gained a few pounds there, kiddo." earlier on last year when we were rock climbing, he said "it'd be easier to climb up if you didn't have so much weight to carry, you know." my mother, who has always been heavier than me, is now skinnier than i am. two nights ago when i was eating dinner with my mom, she looked at my midsection disapprovingly. weeks earlier, she had said after i had innocently placed my hand on my stomach, "joy, if you just stopped eating so much carbs, you wouldn't have that, you know." the funniest part was that earlier at dinner she had given me a plate half covered in rice. i left my mom's house angry that night.

so my weight makes me miserable. you got that? i'm trying to motivate myself, but i don't have the time. and the mental energy needed to just do that... ugh. i have other things to deal with, like money and work and family and friends and trying to figure out how to spend time with all of them and making everyone happy. but that's for another day. :) there is a plan, though. i'm not going to just sit here and complain without some sort of resolution. i'm not that type of person. i've decided to do the honolulu marathon's 10K fun run in december. my brother will be in honolulu running the marathon, and we are bringing my mother along for her christmas present. until then he and i are supposed to be running in flushing meadow park and central park every sunday. the days i stay home i would like to wake up in the morning and go running before work. i have tried to cut more meat out of my diet and eat more veggies. i am drinking more water and less coffee. the only thing that is bad that i have started to forego breakfast and lunch entirely, occasionally munching on a piece of fruit or cracker or some variation of. it's bad. i know. i'm just tired of trying, i guess. i just don't want to get back into that cycle.