turn the memories off

i don't know why, but i've been thinking about things that have been effecting my life in a huge way... and how i regret things. isn't that bad? *sigh* i don't want to regret, but i can't help but feel that way sometimes. i'm usually a "just go with it" type of person... "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" type of person... but these past few nights i haven't been able to let a few things go. it's probably because i can't fall asleep. damn twin bed. lol.

the dad/family issue - who am i kidding? this one is never going to go away. i wish i got to know him better. i wish i wasn't so afraid of him being sick for 3 years. i wish i talked to him to find out about his life instead of just making small talk while his body slowly deteriorated before my eyes. damn that's sad. but what was i supposed to know? i was only 13. what do you ask your parents when you're 13? *sigh* and now 15 years later i can't even talk about or think about it without tears welling up. and that's to myself. imagine saying anything to my family?

missing my ex's mom - is that weird? (piper, this is the albany mom) she was a really positive force in my life... and when i spoke with her 2 years ago, she told me to feel free to talk to her whenever. so i thought about sending her a card or something. but... is that bizarre? i dunno.

the weight thing - i swear, if i could go back in time and beat my ex for making me so concerned about my weight, i would.

the leaving home thing - good god, i wish my mother would just allow me to move out of the state already. i know that sounds silly, but with a senior citizen mother who's by herself and doesn't like to travel, she lays the guilt on THICK when i even mention trying to get out of new york. when i graduated college, i wanted to apply to the art institute of chicago. because my mom practically had a heart attack about how she was going be all alone in new york kept me from persuing a masters degree in drawing/mixed media. i was in chicago last month and i thought about it the whole time.

the art/music thing - it's been 4 years since i drew anything seriously. it's been 4 years since i sang for fun. i have lost all creative aspects in my life. except knitting and web design. but i haven't even touched design in years. i'm a content manager, really. :(

i'm not really as upset about my life as this seems. it's just stuff that's keeping me up at night. the fundamentals i thought made me the person i am and how that is stunting my growth in life. eh...